Pastoral Leadership and Family Systems Theory
Robert I. Mathis, Ph.D.
(Used by permission of Healthy Congregations, Inc. First appeared in the HC newsletter)
Thinking in images of family systems theory has given me an ability to expand my life perspective out of my own human experience. It gives me a way to think about stress, like nothing else I have ever done. It makes much more sense out of human existence and helps me put life into understandable concepts. The combination of reading in theory and monthly contacts with a theory coach helps me make sense in leadership more than anything else.
- A pastor, speaking about his work in Bowen family systems theory -
Family systems theory and pastoral leadership go hand-in-hand. The pastoral position provides a natural connection with several levels of family systems. First, pastors have a sense of connection between what goes on in their own family and their effectiveness in ministry. Second, the pastoral position provides a natural entrée into many families and, in some cases, several generations of a family. Third, most pastors have awareness that there is something very similar going on in the life of the congregation that parallels dynamics of a family. Fourth, pastors are steeped in Biblical accounts that unfold multigenerational depictions of family emotional process.
The letters to Timothy provide a sense of the connection between pastoral ministry and one's own family. Some passages in the letters have to do with ethical and moral qualifications (I Timothy 3-4). While others are related to the emotional connection over the generations (II Timothy 1:5-8). With Timothy, his faith was passed on from his mother and grandmother. Most pastors can identify some connection between the call to ministry and the shaping influence of the family. One pastor commented, "My grandfather was a minister and my father felt a call to ministry but never followed that call. In addition to God's call in my own life, there are influences over the generations of my family through which God worked." Another pastor was aware that her call to ministry was, at least partially, related to her reaction to the turmoil in her family. "The church literally saved me from the chaos at home. It just felt right for me to go into ministry. I cannot imagine doing anything else."
There is an emotional process between the pastor at home and the pastor in the congregation. One pastor reported, "I hear my spouse say critical things to me that are not unlike what I hear from individuals on the church board. I realize that the way I function in my family and the way I function in my congregation are very similar. When that occurs the stress and pressure is about all I can bear." A pastor may realize that he/she is part of the process but figuring that out in a way that one can make changes in the self is a challenge. The person of the pastor and the pastor's own emotional system are key elements in finding a path through the reactive times in ministry.
Family systems theory has helped several pastors identify and work with such significant stresses. Ron Richardson maintains that family systems theory makes two major contributions to our understanding of ministry. First, it offers a comprehensive theory of human functioning in relationships that applies to nearly all of what we do as pastors. Second, whatever aspects of ministry we are engaged in, family systems theory suggests that our own emotional system is included in the process (Richardson, p. 3).
One of the great joys of pastoral ministry is the unique relational position there is with the families of the congregation. In a society that fragments families by separating the generations into separate groups of young and old, pastors need a way to think about the value of their connection with the family as a unit.
A conference that was held at the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family featured a faculty presentation of a family with whom the faculty/therapist had direct connection with three generations of the family. The family diagram was carefully constructed to show each person's birth date, marital status, education, occupation, and health. The presenter highlighted a person from each generation who came to at least one session. It was a superbly presented lecture. The subsequent discussion provided further insight into a multigenerational view of a family. A hearty round of applause concluded the session. During the audience discussion and comments to the presenter following the presentation, there was a sense of awe that a therapist could have in-person contact with individuals from three generations.
Pastoral ministry consistently provides a multigenerational view. It is commonplace for a pastor to have long-term connections with many members of the family and to have that connection during nodal times of life. The pastor is often in contact with grandparents on both sides of a family, their adult children, often including siblings from both sides of the family, and many of the grandchildren. The pastor is often present at the time of birth, graduation, marriage, and may have been present during the process of a grandparent's death and dying. The pastoral contact with families of the congregation give the pastor a unique view of how a family functions. Family systems theory makes available a way to conceptualize what is experienced. The theory can give us tools to view how our own emotional process interacts with a family and how pastoral interaction can make a difference. One pastor summarized, "Family systems theory gives me a way to organize my thinking and meet a family at their level of need in a manner that is helpful. Ironically, the theory helps me care more with less stress on my part."
It is one thing to have a view of the extended families of the congregation and another to view the congregation as a family system. Every congregation has a life of its own. Before the pastor ever arrives on the scene, the congregation has a manner of functioning and the pastor is entering that process. How the previous pastor left and how the congregation said goodbye to that pastor is an indication of how the congregation functions. How the new pastor enters the congregation is connected to future functioning of both the congregation and the pastor.
Pastors who learn to view life together through the lenses of family systems are astute observers of triangles. In healthier congregations people spend minimal time focusing on a third, absent, person. Rather, they concentrate on issues by developing open, honest, and equal relationships with one another, for a shared vision of God's kingdom. When an issue comes up between two people, they do not solicit the input of others on the matter but they seek to speak directly to the other. Their connection is in the spirit of Matthew 18:15-35 or Ephesians, "speaking the truth in love" (4:15).
To some degree, triangles are always present. It is as if there was a commandment, "Where two or three are gathered, there shall be a third." When it comes to triangles, the importance is to understand their role in the broader system, the part that self plays in triangles, and to remember that everyone plays his or her part in the matter.
A common triangle that involves the pastor is that of the sympathetic listener. Person A goes to the pastor to complain about person B. The pastor listens sympathetically. By doing so, the pastor absorbs some, or all, of the anxiety of the complainer, thus, person A is relieved and does not go directly to person B with whom they have an issue. Efforts to be a sympathetic listener can both prolong and exacerbate the issue. The triangle can take many forms as it continues to have a life of its own. Another variation of the sympathetic listener that is familiar to most pastors goes something like, "Well, I spoke with Pastor Ann about you and she agrees that you were out of line."
Triangles are part of a system and they have a life of their own. Knowing how triangles function and how one plays his or her part in them is crucial to becoming a healthier pastor. Basic to understanding the triangle is to realize that one person cannot fix the relationship between two others.
When it comes to a multigenerational view there are few professions that match that of a pastor. Different from the ordinary, pastors are steeped in Biblical literature that provides a multigenerational view of the human condition. The Bible provides an extensive collection of stories that depict generations of human struggle to know and be known by God. The stories of the Bible are not someone else's story but they are our own. The accounts of the patriarchs unfold generations of leaders who are shaped by God and who seek to pass on a faith deeply rooted in the image of God. When religious leaders read the story of Jacob and Esau we do not just read about "sibling rivalry" that blames one son over the other, but we are given a picture of the conflictual interaction of the parents that was present before their birth.
Emotional process over the generations is apparent throughout the Bible. The first chapter of Matthew provides an extensive genealogy that connects Jesus to the Davidic line. An avid reader of the bible knows that this is not just a list of names but it is a rich legacy of emotional connection that spans the generations.
The astute pastor has a view of the world that is out of the ordinary. The ordinary image of our world is limited to the now. The ordinary view is limited to, what is good for me, my family, my workplace, my friends, my world? The emphasis is on "me" and "mine." We live in a cutoff society. When people refer to "family" the tendency is to think of their spouse and children. Rarely do folks think about the influences over the generations. A pastor has the potential to see the broader view.
Becoming an effective church leader is vital to ministry. Pastors want to work wisely with their congregations to effectively minister in Christ's name. The demands of ministry in a changing society clamor within the soul of the pastor. Work on the emotional process in one's own family via family systems theory, is making a difference for many pastors.
Family systems theory is not easy to grasp. We live in a world that is immersed in cause-effect, individual thinking. Learning to "think systems" requires intentional effort over an extended period. It is a way of thinking that moves one away from blaming an individual to thinking about a matter in a more comprehensive view. Reading about the theory is a helpful starting place but successful application of family systems theory requires interaction with others who have worked in the theory. It is usually helpful to join a group that studies and discusses application of theory. Working with a coach who has experience in theory is another proven way of learning to think systems.
Robert I. Mathis, Ph.D., is a pastoral counselor in Columbus, OH. He served as pastor of congregational care for 21 years at Meadow Park Church and is on the Board of Healthy Congregations, Inc. He can be contacted via rimathis@hotmail.com
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